The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (2003)

HORROR AND HILARITY

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
By Aine

TCM remake CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! Wow, was this movie ever a turd! As a stand alone film, it blew. As a remake, it was an abomination!

After about ten minutes I wished Leatherface would just run out with his chainsaw and do away with the annoying brats in the van, but there was no chance of that happening when the star of the movie needed more screen time. Instead of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they should have called it, “The Adventures of Jessica Biel’s bellybutton.

The best acting was done by the young David Dorfman, who also appeared in The Ring with Naomi Watts, and is scheduled to return in the sequel next year. It’s just too bad that they made him wear ridiculously huge bubba teeth that looked so fake it was sadly amusing. His talents were completely wasted here, as were the talents of Terrence Evans, the old man in the wheelchair.

It’s best if I don’t even get into Leatherface, who was more sad than frightening. The people responsible for this obviously had no idea about what made the original film work, and they should be repeatedly poked in the rectum with flaming cotton swabs.

Even R. Lee Ermey couldn’t save this giant pile of poo!