SPLINTER

SPLINTER

Splinter....also known as: The Movie I Wish I Had Made. First off, I deal with a lot of bad movies on an almost daily basis. Some of them are cheesy CGI-monster fun, like the turds that repeatedly churn through the SyFy (Ew, still HATE their new name) channel's weekend line up. Some of them I have to watch for some business reason or another. And some I actually make...sorry about that. My point is, though, that I see so many truly terrible films that when one comes along that is genuinely good I put my nerd hat on and squeal like a little girl. Such is the case with Splinter.

Plot-wise it follows several of the rules low budget horror films should: Small cast, unknown actors, mostly one location, just add monster...it works, though with their "low budget" I could easily make 5 or more movies, so, ya know, anyone who would like to give me some money to do that, feel free. I'll admit that none of these characters are particularly likable at first, if ever. The baddies are bad, slimy, scuzzy folk that do little to redeem themselves and our goodies drive me a little nuts. I'm always bothered by the "sassy defiant tough girl" and the "useless girlie man who can't change a tire or pitch a tent" (take that how you like). I realize these stereotypes are in place for a reason, but they still bug me.

That being said, the action picks up quickly once our two couples meet. Before long they all must fight to survive after encountering a large spiky critter lookin' for love...or at least for a good warm meal. From this point forward the film plays not unlike a more contained and violent version of Tremors with a creature more like the Critters, mixed with the body-horror stylings of David Cronenberg. Perfection (pun intended).

About half way through watching this short little nerdgasm a funny thing happened: I had to turn it off. Anyone who knows me knows I only turn off a movie for one reason, and that is when it is so epic in its badness that I can't stand it for even one more second. I usually end up having to watch movies like that in several parts just to get through them. Now in the case of Splinter I turned it off for a completely different reason: it was freaking me the hell out! Seriously, I am so seldom freaked out by movies that I couldn't figure out how to process my own freak out. I felt a rising panic in my gut when turning it back on, how weird.

For the first time in at least several years, I watched a movie at least partially hidden behind a pillow and oh my God did I have a good time doing it! First of all, the very nature of this monster gets down to some core issues that many people have, I mean, who isn't freaked out by the idea of something sharp being lodged under their skin, flesh, or fingernails. I cringe just thinking about it. Now add a parasitic element and super heat-seeking abilities to the mix and I'm pretty sure you've got the stuff nightmares are made of.

Clocking in at a tight 82 minutes Splinter never lets up, never disappoints, and never fails to make its audience shudder, cringe and weep. With my horror nerd hat placed proudly on my head I would like to say thank you Splinter, thank you for not only not sucking, but for bringing it. My standards have just gone up a notch.