SID HAIG

When you're interviewing someone like Sid Haig, you don't really need much of an introduction, so I'll let you all enjoy reading this hopefully as much as I enjoyed doing it. I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to Sid for everything! -Aine

Why did you change your last name from Mosesian to Haig?

I took my father's first name. Everybody just kind of mangled my real name…Mosian, Masoyen, Mosesesian, and I thought, you know what, obviously people can't spell. There's one "s" on either side of the "e" ok? What does that say? Moses with an "ian". Mosesian. So I just took my dad's first name. Haig is a very common Armenian name; it's like Bill.

Have you ever played a priest?

No, but I should. I should play a priest. I should also play Rasputin. I think I could do that. Hello Hollywood, I'm ready to play Rasputin; the unholy monk. Actually, in my film, which I'm hopefully going to do as soon as we do the sequel [House of 1,000 Corpses] I will be playing a bishop.

Didn't you do Batman? (The series people, not the winged hero, get your minds out of the gutter)!

I did do Batman. That was totally freaky. First of all, the way I got the job was, I was working on EVERY show on television, non-stop. Howie Horowitz, who produced Batman, called the casting director and said, "Get this guy on here. He's working on every damn show on the air except ours, and we've got the hottest show!" So he brought me into the office and he said, "Here's the script. Go in that room, read the script and you can play anything you want except King Tut because Victor Buono's got that." And I thought, well ok cool. And I went in and said, "I'll play the alchemist." There we go.

So how tight were those little Bat shorts on Adam West?

You know, for some reason I didn't have the desire to check out his shorts.

So when was the last time you crapped your pants?

Probably when I was a little kid. I can't ever remember crapping my pants, sorry. But I almost pissed myself today on the way over here because there were no gas stations that would let you use the bathroom.

You did Diamonds Are Forever with Bruce Glover right? What did you do in that?

I threw the naked body of Lana Wood out the window. I was one of the Slumber brothers. When he [Sean Connery as James Bond] comes back from the casino with her, we're in his room. And he undoes her thing and it falls to the floor and she's just standing there in her panties. Of course, when it got aired for television, CGI is a wonderful thing; it'll fuck everything up, they put a bra on her. With the computer they just drew in a bra. When it hit television it had a bra.

So we were supposed to go to Europe, The Slumber Brothers, and Bruce Glover and his buddy, only the English got such tight asses, they would only let so many Americans come over to work. So the Slumber Brothers didn't get to go.

Do you like marshmallows?

Yeah, I do like marshmallows. First of all their texture; I'm very tactile. On your fingers, the powdered sugar, and then you just kind of lay it on your tongue and press it against the roof of you mouth and it collapses; it's very sexy.

What is the value of pi/pie?  Answer that any way you like.

The value of pie is salve to the soul. And you can take that to mean whatever you want.

What are some of the things you do when you're not acting?

Well, I'm a certified clinical hypnotherapist. I manage an apartment complex. I'm writing two books. I run a teenage theatre workshop during the summer. I'm a ceramicist, and I do bonsai because it's very relaxing; it chills me out. I'm a people watcher. I'm a girl watcher. That's what I do.

So what are your books about?

I'm collaborating with a psychologist right now on something that is ultimately going to wind up as a text book. It has to do with a new technique in treatment that she's come with and I have helped her out with the hypnotic script for the various treatment sessions. And, one night I was talking to Rob [Zombie] on the phone, and he said, "Remember all those great stories you used to tell when we were sitting around having lunch?" And I went, "Yeah." And he says, "Write the book!" And I said, "What are you talking about?" And he said, "Write the fucking book! We'll publish it; we'll start a publishing company. We'll send you around to all the Barnes and Nobles in the country to do signings and stuff. We'll have a good time and we'll make some money." So I'm writing the book.

Alright, time for some House of 1,000 Corpses related questions. So how did Rob Zombie seduce you into another villain role?

Well, I don't know who seduced who. Because, after the fact, I realized that he had watched all of my stuff when he was a kid growing up, and I guess I left some kind of impression. My agent called and he said, "Ok, here's the deal." And I said, "Oh shit, now what?" He says, "You go to this office, sign a letter of non-disclosure, and they'll give you a script. You take it home and read it, and if you like it, the part's yours." So I took it home and I was like, yeah, I could have fun with this. So that's how it happened.

Sometimes it's difficult to watch the movie because you want Spaulding to come back so bad. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it definitely needs more of you.

Yeah, there's leave 'em wanting more, and then there's leave 'em wanting more you know what I mean? The DVD has got a lot more of me.

Are you kidding, the DVD is ALL you! You dominate the disc!

Oh you found the hidden stuff? All the reason why we went through the 'Tiny Fucked A Stump'? The story behind that, did you find that? We're sitting around and talking about Tiny and Bill [Moseley] says, "Well at least his stump broke." And Sheri [Moon], in all honesty asks, "What's stump broke mean?" Before you get your first piece of ass you got to practice on something, so you go find yourself a stump with a big knot hole or something. And Bill goes, "Yeah, but he hasn't gotten past the stump!" So, that was the basis of all the 'Tiny Fucked a Stump' jokes. We were sitting having dinner and Bill asked me what my philosophy of life was….

I don't remember any of this from the DVD.

….Maybe they cut it out. So Bill says, "Captain, what's your philosophy in life?" And I said, "Well, I'll tell ya. Life is like a penis; it only gets hard if you make it that way." Yeah, there's all of that crazy shit in there. Did you get the one with the three of us dancing? And the one where we make the pyramid? That was stupid, what was that? I was like, why are we doing this? That was some weird shit. And the thing is I immortalized this older friend of mine. Because, whenever he would see a really hot girl, he would go, "Damn darlin' I would love to bite you in the ass, take lock jaw and have you drag me to death." So I had to make sure that I put that in there. Is the Grand Canyon line still in? I called her a fuckin' whore. (Laughter) Somebody wrote me, a guy, and said, "My wife and I have been sitting here for an hour watching the opening, fuck the movie, we saw it in the theatre." So they just sat there watching the opening time and time and time again.

So back to Spaulding, do you actually see him as a villain? I think he's kind of hot.

You know people have said that he was so scary, and I don't get that he was scary. Maybe scary in that you don't know what he's all about. He's this redneck guy dressing in clown wardrobe and scaring the shit out of people. But that was fun, amusement park stuff, not like Otis's twisted sinister mind kind of scaring people. I mean these two guys come in and they try to rob him so he fucks them up, oh well. I'm just protecting my shit ok? I don't think he was scary.

Actually, a friend of mine said they put this on television, I forgot what show it was, one of those Hollywood magazine kinds of things, whatever that stuff is: A reporter shoved a microphone and a camera in my face and asked me to explain the character of Captain Spaulding, and this was before the film. So I put my head down, and came back up as Captain Spaulding, and said, "I am the epiphany of the American spirit. I am what this country used to be all about which means if you're gonna fuck with me you best bring all your shit 'cause I don't care about no Berlin walls, no thirty-eighth parallel, no DMZ, no drawin' lines in the goddamn sand, you piss me off I'm gonna come over there and put my boot up your ass!" And, of course, there were beeps along the way, but it actually wound up on national television. But that's what the character was to me. He's like this kind of twisted Captain American guy. I just think he likes to mess with people. To mess with their heads a little bit, like when those two guys are standing in the museum, and I screw around with them, "Ya'll think us country folks are real funny don't ya?" That's the thing; see I seduced people into buying the DVD. When I was in Chicago for Wizard World, when I sign stuff I'll usually get their name and then put a line from the movie, and then sign my name. So a guy comes up and I write, "Shit the bed." And he says, "I don't remember that line in the movie." And I tell him it's in the DVD and he goes, "Oh no, I've got to go buy the DVD now!" And that was two days before the release of the DVD. I'm sneaky.

I think Spaulding needs to get some booty in part 2.

Yeah, he sure does. I need one of two kinds of women in the second movie, the sequel. I need either some total trashy vampire looking bitch, or somebody that's really elegant, but says fuck a lot.

I like the second one better.

I found the one too. We did the TV land convention, out at the Burbank Hilton, and I walked into the room and there was June Wilkinson. I walked up and said, "Oh my god, we were in a film together." And she looked at my shirt because I was wearing my Spaulding shirt at the time, and she says, "Yes, I know we were." I talked to her for a long time, she's just totally hot. She's a very sophisticated, very nice, sweet lady.

Any fun stuff from on the set of House of 1,000 Corpses?

Yeah, there are all kinds of little instant fun kind of stuff that goes on. It doesn't have a consequence to it, but at the moment it's kind of funny. No random spankings, no oral copulation, just little random kinds of things. The thing is I kept springing stuff on Rob [Zombie] all the time. When the two guys came in to rob me and I put my hands up, I put my middle fingers up and Rob just freaked out; he freaked out. That's a definite take two because he ruined the sound, totally. So I just tried to go for that, let's see if I can crack him up. If I can crack him up then we're ok. But you see, the screw up was his fault, not mine.

So why are you so hot?

I don't know that I am.

Oh, yes you are.

Then you tell me.

Shit, look at your fine ass.

(Laughter) I don't get it, I really don't get it. I'll tell you, there was a time when there was some kind of attraction from female fans, but it was usually from women that just liked to be associated with danger. So that part I get, but I don't know if that's what's happening now.

You're just hot.

(Laughter) Well, ok, thank you.

Do you think you could take Quentin Tarantino in a fight if you were armed only with a pink bra and a wooden spoon?

Sure! Why not? I'd find some way to use that as a weapon; maybe dangle the bra and whack him with the spoon. Now the guy's ass that I could kick is Freddy Krueger, he's a punk. Not Robert Englund, I like him, we've worked together before. I'm cool with Robert, but Freddy Krueger is a punk. Give me Freddy Krueger, Michael Meyers, and Jason, I'll whip all three of their asses before lunch.

This interview took place on September 1, 2003. Sid is hands down, the best interview I've ever done.  Don't forget to check out his official website at http://www.sidhaig.com  If I thank Sid any more he might throw up, but………..Thanks Sid!

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