NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH
By Aine

This movie is just plain nasty, totally disgusting, a vomit-inducing son-of-a-bitch and I couldn’t be happier about it. The feature directorial debut of Graeme Whifler, known for his disturbing imagery in working with The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Danny Elfman and more, Neighborhood Watch is what I consider to be solid evidence of why having neighbors is not a good thing. And here I was thinking I was just some sort of curmudgeon all these years, but don’t get me started about how much I despise my neighbors.

The story of Neighborhood Watch is simple enough: Young newlyweds, Bob and Wendi, move to a new house in a new town as part of Bob’s new job. But almost immediately they begin to have trouble with the neighbors. First the deaf, elderly couple crashes a car into their yard, and then they begin to have issues with Adrian, an overbearing reject formerly of high society who now lives in a filthy house filled with his insane creations. Say that ten times fast.

Adrian tries to make nice and brings the new couple a box of chocolates as a welcoming gift. What they don’t know is that after doing so he goes home, plays a tape of them having sex and “masturbates” to it. The only tricky part is the method by which he does so: sticking his finger in a half-sewn hole in his stomach while stabbing himself in the testicles with a hypodermic! I have to say, in all my years of watching what is likely thousands of horror films, I have never seen anything like this. I was both disgusted and enthralled and I couldn't wait to see what was coming next.

And what was coming next happened to be a taboo that I enjoy seeing exposed: explosive diarrhea. I’m not talking your discreet little reference to it either, there was poo everywhere! Toilet seats were splattered, floors and pants were ruined, newspaper had a new use and anyone who’s married and only has one bathroom knows the joy of trying to hold in an explosion and having to wait to get to the toilet; it’s a kind of torture in and of itself.

After several more attacks and/or poisoning attempts Bob and Wendi have had it. Calling the cops didn’t seem to help, and starting a neighborhood watch didn’t do much either considering all the neighbors have a creepiness of their own. (Including a cameo by Eileen Dietz as a particularly scabby-looking neighbor) It leads one to wonder, how many of the neighbors are victims of Adrian without even knowing it?

I’ll spare you the details of the climax and let you have that joy all to yourself. Neighborhood Watch manages to be creepy and appealing without resorting to killing a cat or a dog, or raping anyone (current trends in horror I’ve had about enough of), yet it maintains its own quiet dignity. Perversion, poison, sadistic masturbation and self-taught surgery - this movie has it all. The tagline is absolutely right: never take candy from a stranger. I now have an extra reason to watch out for my neighbors, because you just never know if they’re crazier than you are.

Check out www.neighborhoodwatchthefilm.com