MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D

MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D
By Ken Leicht

The relentless onslaught of remakes continues its death march through the horror classics of the 80’s with the arrival of Lionsgate’s MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D.
The original MBV was a second or third stringer back in the day but its remake looks to make a killing…no pun intended. Why? Because if the skeptical been there done that thirty and forty-something crowd at the recent premiere at the Hollywood Chinese Theatre could be wowed, than the public should be easy.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D is something allegedly better films have been failing to be…entertaining. Really. I never cared for 80’s era masked killer bullshit but somehow this stuff is starting to feel oddly refreshing as compared to would be Oscar favorites like THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON. Paramount is spending a fortune trying to hype us into thinking we care about that movie. I appreciate that Brad Pitt and David Fincher have some lofty artistic ambitions and I love Cate Blanchet but PLEASE…can we just skip it and bring on the pick-axe wielding maniac?

Anyway…I digress…MBV tells the story of a young man named Tom Hanniger played by SUPERNATURAL’S Jensen Ackles who returns to the mining town where he grew up after ten years. Unfortunately his hometown is also the place where as a younger man he caused a mining accident which resulted in a huge loss of life. Shortly thereafter, mine disaster survivor Harry Warden takes out his frustration on several partygoers while dressed in his miner’s gear in what becomes known as the Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Ten years later, Tom is back to sell the family mine. Soon after Tom’s arrival, someone dressed a lot like Harry Warden starts taking out a bunch of people with a pick-axe. Then the fun begins again for the unfortunate young townsfolk. Especially annoyed are Kevin Tighe and 80’s horror icon Tom Atkins who both share a secret about the past.

If memory serves, the original MBV had Harry Warden pegged as the killer without a doubt. This new rendition adds the element of mystery. Is Harry back or is it someone else wearing the mining suit? I’ll not spoil it here…not that it’s important anyway. It’s all about the super 3-D kills.

As little as I cared for 80’s slasher fare, I think I have cared even less about 3-D. Most of my experience with it was in theatres with such “classics” as METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED SYN. I think that was in 3-D. Maybe I just dreamed it was. Well, at least I know for sure that FRIDAY the 13th 3-D was. Let’s not even talk about CAPTAIN EO. Anyway… 3-D just seemed stupid and gimmicky and not that cool at all. REALLY COOL back then was STAR WARS and ALIEN type stuff.

Well that was then. MY BLOODY VALENTINE is the hot stuff now and STAR WARS currently is some goony cgi cartoon. And boy has 3-D come a long way. Gone are the blue and red glasses. The new glasses look kind of like something Elvis Costello would wear. The clear glass foreshadows nothing until you put them on. From the second the film rolls and the Lionsgate’s logo appears in 3-D you are immediately put into a state of “Wooooowwwwwww” from which you will not return until the film ends. The opening credits with the ages old device of newspaper clippings providing exposition about what went on in the past is suddenly transformed from cliché to bold 3-D artistic statement. When the kills finally happen and the 3-D gore kicks in, it seems much more organic than tacked on like in the old days. Back in the day when a tree branch seemed to be coming out of the screen it was just there as on odd parlor trick. In MBV when that tree branch comes at you it feels like it is really “Comin’ at ya!” That difference is the key here.

While the advanced technology definitely improves the viewing experience, what makes this film work is how smartly it’s executed. While the plot is pretty much the same dumb revenge/slasher nonsense as 25 years ago, and the acting is hardly Stanley Meisner, it has several moments of good humor and some great murder set pieces. I also appreciate how despite the slaughter, many of the victims got to put up a good fight. That has always been my main problem with slasher films. Everyone’s a moron and nobody puts up a good fight. Not so here. While characters are flawed or not big geniuses, they at least try to defend themselves…some more successfully than others. Special kudos for the naked truck driver’s girlfriend battle. In this instant classic scene, the blonde naked chick puts up a hell of a fight that goes on forever. I’d practically forgotten what a naked woman on film can do for a film. Now I remember.

Director Patrick Lussier definitely learned from the mistakes of the past and makes the film work on its own. The 3-D is essentially a bonus albeit a really amazing bonus. I had lost one of my contacts prior to the screening and even with one eye a little blurry, the 3-D was crystal clear amazing. This film was fun from beginning to end and sets the standard for 80’s horror remakes. We’ll see if the upcoming FRIDAY THE 13th remake will give it a run for its money.

I don’t know if 3-D will be the savior the Hollywood suits hope it will be but it’ll definitely add to the experience of the right kind of pictures. God only knows what James Cameron’s next feature AVATAR will unload on us later this year or how vivid the epic cartoon scale of Dreamworks’ MONSTERS AND ALIENS will be. Looking forward to seeing how it all comes out at me.