House of the Dead
By Aine

Even for horror this movie is just fucking stupid. I understand that is based on a video game, it’s happened before and it’s never been quite this bad. It is fine as a game, but it just did NOT work as a movie. Come to think of it, it never really worked as a game either. I’ve never been so happy to see the characters die before; I only wish they had killed the narrator as well.

The twinge of happiness I felt when I saw Clint Howard and Jurgen Prochnow was quickly stomped out within the first five minutes of this vile stain upon society. There was a cute reference to Lord of the Rings somewhere, which may have been the best part other than the blond chick getting puked on.

This is kind of like watching a Full Moon movie, only at least Full Moon seems to know they suck and rejoice in their campiness. In a horror movie one needs to have someone to root for, whether it is the villain or the hero. House of the Dead has abandoned this rule completely.

And are we tired of the Matrix-style slow-motion shit yet?! Come on, an entire twenty minutes spent on shooting zombies in the same spot? I let curiosity get the better of me despite the warnings; please don’t make my mistake. Don’t waste your time or money on this weak attempt at a horror movie. Puke instead, it’s more productive.