THE HALFWAY HOUSE

THE HALFWAY HOUSE
By Aine

I’m frazzled, dazzled, tickled and teased. That’s right, you heard me. I’m so excited to see a film that can honestly compete with the exploitation movies of old that I have reverted to total geekdom. Not only is Kenneth J. Hall’s The Halfway House a throwback to genre films from the past, namely exploitation films, it’s also a damn good one. We’re not talking homage here; we’re talking 100% getting it right.

Ok, now that I have sufficiently geeked out on you, I can get on with explaining why this movie is such a good thing. I know that some people are not going to get this movie, they may outright dismiss it as awful, or some of the younger crowd might not remember exploitation films, nunsploitation, or any similar cultish genres of the 70s and 80s. I can’t honestly say that I remember them from the time, but I’ve spent my life seeking out new and interesting things, you know, like on Star Trek.

For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sorry, for those easily offended, get over it; this film apologizes for nothing. Now listen, I am not a guy, nor am I a lesbian, but I love to see a bunch of girls goin’ wild with Vaseline as much as the next…er…guy? And Halfway House delivers, oh boy does it ever. I should mention that there are two versions, for all the hot lesbian action, be sure to pick up the unrated director’s version. Now back to it….

I guess I should explain that it begins with a hot blonde jogging to some super gay music, because that’s what girls do right? She is of course, abducted by a guy in a ceremonial old-school monk robe, and then promptly stripped down to her undies and chained to the floor of a sacrificial dungeon. After the pervy janitor gets done molesting her a bit, she is fed to a giant one eyed monster from the Necronomicon…awesome! And this is just the first five minutes. I’d say the only thing I found distressing at all was that the girl’s breasts seemed to be dramatically different in size and I was distracted by it. But that’s ok, there are plenty more breasts in the movie so why fret over one pair? I’ve also heard that all breasts in this film are 100% natural, hooray for boobies!

The older sister of the missing jogger girl goes to the police, only to be dismissed by a sexist detective. Thankfully, the younger detective is willing to help her, in more ways than one. I guess his name isn’t Dick Sheen for nothin’! After some good getting to know you sex, the sister goes undercover at “The Halfway House” to try to find out what happened to her little sister. Once inside she meets Latina gangs and lickin’ lesbians, not to mention a priest who spanks for the Lord with his special “Jesus” paddle, and the unforgettable cult actress Mary Woronov as Sister Cecilia, the nun with moxie.

As our story progresses and we get down to the bottom of things, we enjoy lesbian love, many more naked girls sacrificed to the monster in the basement, and spankings galore. I think it’s more than a little special to give a shout out to the exorcist: when a couple of “bad girls” are paddled by the priest, he has them yell out, “the power of Christ compels me!” I laughed my ass off, which is only appropriate given the subject matter. One naughty runaway even finds herself having sex with a headless body when she and her boyfriend are interrupted by the creepy janitor.

And wouldn’t you know that at the bottom of all of this is Sister Cecilia, who has become so disgusted with man kind that she has stolen the Necronomicon and brought back one of “the old ones,” with whom she plans to mate and have super demon babies with, go figure. I don’t want to, and I won’t, give away the ending. I will say that it is typical of the genre(s) but perfect and enjoyable. This movie is pure horrific fun. Once again, Mary Woronov is spectacular, she’s had a good year in films, also appearing in Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects, and I’m pleased to see her back doing such fine work.

Please visit The Halfway House online at http://www.halfwayhouse-movie.com