CEMETERY GATES

CEMETERY GATES
By Aine

Picture this: a giant mutated Tasmanian devil named Precious is on the loose in a cemetery. If you’re done laughing now I can tell you that this movie is nowhere near as lame as you would expect it to be with such a premise. From the producers of Dog Soldiers and Boo, Cemetery Gates is full of all the horror staples: nudity, sex, clichés, stupid young people, and buckets upon buckets of blood and guts.

When a young man and his group of semi-retarded (sarcasm anyone?) friends head out to a cemetery to make a zombie movie they are expecting nothing but getting high and seeing some boobs. What they don’t know is that some eager animal rights activists have freed, and coincidentally been consumed by, Precious and she is headed their way. What’s more, the young man’s father happens to be the scientist who created Precious as she is today, and is played by none other than Phantasm’s Reggie Bannister! Whoever thought that one up is a genius; seeing the Reg-man do his thing as a caring and conflicted father is, well, precious.

Of course the reason to love this movie comes in all the delicious Tasmanian devil fodder: random people looking for a gas station are ripped apart in such fantastic ways that I actually laughed out loud. And a lesson should be learned in that one should never pee on a giant mutated Tasmanian devil, it seems to really piss them off, no pun intended. A special treat among the mayhem are the cameos, numerous small parts are filled by various industry and production friends. Most noticeable are Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger of KNB effects as a pair of stoners seeking their “spirit animals.” It is a performance not to be missed though I recommend having plenty of snacks handy; as these two are so high onscreen that it may actually give you the munchies.

There are so many endearing things about this movie I’m not sure what else to say. I promise not to spew tons of mushy love about it, while I do love this movie, I am not so delusional as to believe it is a masterful work of art. What it is, however, is a blood-drenched party full of horror cheese and over-the-top deaths that will make most genre fans giggle with glee. It cannot top Dog Soldiers, but it is extremely entertaining and tons better than anything you’re going to choke on, excuse me, sit through on the Sci Fi Channel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get some snacks….mmmm….munchies.