Bodily Fluids (Splat Books, 2004)
By Aine

Bodily Fluids, the third book to be released under Splat Books, is the best one yet. This isn’t to say that both Self Mutilation, and Self Mutilation 2, their freshman and sophomore efforts, respectively, is not just fine literature. They were indeed some of the finest literature I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

The previously mentioned coupling feature short stories and poetry of the horrific kind, by many different authors around the world. But Self Mutilation involves just two authors: Splat founders Matt Jorgenson and Joe Knetter, each have half of the book in which to spill their own brand of splatter and noxious ramblings, and the space is well filled.

Joe’s stories are original, terrifying, sexual, and disgusting all at the same time. I am frequently torn between puking and masturbating; sometimes I do both. His use of language is stunning, and he can make you see what he’s telling with your own eyes, without bogging down the story with excessive descriptions and boring dialogue. You’ll be at the peek of sexual excitement, and then…then you make the mistake of reading the next sentence…then all you can do is toss the book down and scream, I know I did. Of course, then I picked it back up and finished the story, gagging and cringing the rest of the time. Read Spiderwebs and you’ll share in my terror.

There are other great moments of Joe, including beating with rotting heads, puking, sex, dismemberment, and bizarre rock and roll fantasies. He’s got it all. And if all of that horror gets to be too much, you can always seek refuge in a little gem of a story called Ollie’s Monster, which, while not entirely horror, is a superb bit of story telling that I’m quite fond of. Joe would do well to write a few more like Ollie along with all of his other horrific mayhem.

Horrific mayhem: this brings me to the other half of the book: Matt Jorgensen. I will avoid calling Matt, the “penis writer” because he would probably get mad at me if I did. But what the hell, Matt is a penis writer. Ok, ok, so he writes some stuff NOT about the penis…sometimes it’s about a clitoris…Little Man in the Canoe anyone? Canoe reminds me of The Blob with genitals, and in my mind, that’s the stories’ title. Then there’s the foreskin monster, I really have to wonder about Matt sometimes, really.

The true terror comes in a rather long story called simply, Urethra. If you’re starting to shift uncomfortable in your chair and cross your legs, it’s with good reason. I’m a woman and I was disturbed by this story. It’s one of the strongest and most horrific openings I’ve read in recent years. I don’t want to give too much away because I’m sure you’ll be rushing right out to purchase this, and the other Splat Books, directly from www.splatbooks.com, let’s just say that if you are a guy, or you love guys, you will be disturbed, deeply, deeply disturbed. You know those little catfish that swim up into your urethra? Are you picturing it? Well damn, it just got about twenty times worse! And that’s all I’m going to say, that, and for the first time in my life, I’m actually glad I don’t have a penis.

Both Matt and Joe have their own first novels coming out sometime this year, and stay tuned this summer for Self Mutilation 3, featuring a couple of little stories by yours truly and some lovely poems Horror and Hilarity regular, Suzie.