BLOOD GNOME

BLOOD GNOME
By Aine

Wow, a current horror movie that’s a total throw back to the ‘80’s direct to video release. John Lechago’s Blood Gnome is, well, it’s a movie about gnomes who like blood. But wait, there’s more. Some super-buff drug-dealing dominatrix has a giant mother gnome living in a crate. Apparently every time it eats, it gives birth to baby blood gnomes. And for some reason the goop from the mama gnome’s placenta is a super powerful version of Ecstasy called X times 10. I never quite figured out what the drugs have to do with the rest of the plot, but maybe it was just an excuse to show a monster gnome vagina.

Anyway, for some reason the gnomes like to eat mostly people into BDSM, especially those engaged in “Blood Sports.” An already mental crime scene photographer starts seeing the little gnomes through his camera but of course everyone thinks he’s nuts. This is our lead character, and he looks like a slightly less confident version of Tom Savini, which I found really distracting.

So as more and more S&M participants are found dead, whacko photographer is determined to obtain proof of the gnomes’ existence. When he tries to capture them on tape the gnomes, get this, start sending him threatening instant message online! What?! Anyway, in a throw down with he manages to bite a gnome, which suddenly makes him able to see them because he “drank of their blood.”

Somewhere in all of this there are plenty of tame BDSM scenes and lots of nudity, which is a plus and to be expected from this sub-genre. It’s literally like watching an old Full Moon movie. The climax involves a giant blood sports party with Julie Strain and the Porcelain Twinz appearing, I’m not sure why this is a huge deal, but the filmmakers kept stressing this fact.

There is an underlying love story tucked away under all the boobs, blood and gnomes but it’s not really that significant. I won’t say this is the greatest cinema of all time by any means, but if you’re a fan of cheesy monster horror, and don’t mind a few too many close-ups and characters talking to themselves, then check out Blood Gnome. After all, BDSM and gnomes are part of what make America great.